


it’ll be okay

by hemothorax



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Non-betad, aka adhd, i wrote this rlly fast jdjjsdh sorry, its a good ending, it’ll be okay, lapslock, vern jus kinda has an anxiety attack
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-29
Updated: 2018-12-29
Packaged: 2019-09-29 18:36:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,437
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17208758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hemothorax/pseuds/hemothorax
Summary: vernon has anxiety. he doesnt have a very good day. but it’ll be okay.[ written as a way to get my own feelings out. ]





	it’ll be okay

**Author's Note:**

> hi i wrote this in a hazy space that was kinda full of anxiety. this is how i feel when i have attacks, and i just wanted to throw my feelings into a story to try and convey it. you’re not alone, itll be okay.

vernon had always been a bit different as a kid. he was always spaced out, always full of bursts of energy and none the next, never really focused on one thing or another, but always hopping around. he had good grades, a few friends, but he couldn’t, for the life of him, ever do his homework when he was younger. he couldnt help but chatter aimlessly in class, earning him several ‘a pleasure to have in class — talks too much’ notes at the end of report cards. he thought by the time he’d be a teenager that it’d fix up because he would have to care about his grades more.

unfortunately, when he turned 12 was when it really started to go downhill. he felt this overwhelming weight on his shoulders that he could never quite place. there were evil thoughts that plagued his mind, no matter how many times he tried to get rid of them. he started getting yelled at for not doing his homework, for slacking off in class when he swore he was trying his hardest. he just couldnt focus, he couldnt help it. vernon was always trying really hard, he just couldn’t help that his mind was always running around and never in one spot.

soon, the running and spinning mind caused him to tumble. his grades tanked, he was terrified, despite trying his hardest. he wanted to do good, he wanted to be okay and normal. he knew he wasnt like other kids. he couldnt focus like them. he didnt have one special talent that he was an expert at, he was just a tiny bit above average at several things. that never earned him anything, never got him anywhere. he felt like he couldnt breathe, ridiculed by his parents constantly for not doing this, not doing that.

vernon was taken to a doctor a few years later, and was officially diagnosed with adhd and generalized anxiety. he was given pills to help tame the anxiety, which would in turn help his mind focus a little more if he wasnt anxious about everything around him. they worked for him, keeping his nerves at a steady low and he rarely had any bad episodes all through his trainee days and as an idol.

but today just wasnt a good day.

there was something off about today. vernon couldnt quite place it. but the moment he was being woken by other members, there was this feeling under his skin he couldnt get rid of. he felt a little uneasy, and wanted to sink into his bedsheets to sleep the feeling away. he couldnt, though, he was eventually forced to get up and get ready for the day. brushing his teeth, his hands were a little more jittery. he spaced off at his own reflection, only minghao knocking on the door getting him out of his trance. part of his gums were accidentally worn raw by leaving his toothbrush in one spot for too long, making his mouth taste metallic.

he shoved a beanie on his head for the day, not bothering to take up more time in the bathroom when other members needed it. instead, he grabbed his phone and headphones and headed to the kitchen. he wasn’t hungry, but he knew he had to eat something with his meds or he would feel queazy. the group had photoshoots and practice today, but he didnt want to leave the dorms. vernon only wanted to stay in his sheets, wrapped up and warm all around and listen to music.

“vernon, cmon, you gotta eat when you take your meds.” a gentle voice murmured in english.

joshua was holding his prescription bottle, and an apple sauce cup, getting his pill out to take. vernon obliged, downing the pill with his applesauce, but still felt vaguely empty, but also had a feeling of slight nausea.

the car ride to the photoshoot location was spent with tapping fingers, jittery movements, bobbing knees, and a few bleeds on his nail beds from picking at them too much. at this point, vernon knew what was happening, and only wished that he could make it through the day without an outburst. just one day. just until he gets back to the dorms, then he can take a hot shower and clear his thoughts. he only needed to make it to the end of the day.

the day had just begun and he wanted it to end. he wanted the floor to swallow him whole as he stepped into the makeup room, he was scolded over and over for squirming as the makeup artists attempted to cover his skin. he couldnt hear the lady right in front of him, but could hear conversations all around him and across the room. he was grabbing words here and there, all of it jumbling into his head like a static background that all blurred into one noise.

 

his senses were so overwhelmed, particularly his ears. he didnt have his phone or headphones, and every word was too loud and too quiet. he could hear everything that was going on in the room, but couldnt make out a single word anyone was saying. he could hear the tapping of makeup brushes, could distinctly hear jeonghan and seokmin talking together, but had no idea what they were saying. soonyoung was on the phone, but his words sounded like a different language. he couldnt hear anything correctly yet so many sounds bombarded him. he just wanted silence.

the room felt like it was closing in, and he finally got a break when they were called onto set to take actual photos. all the members were quiet as the director told them how they wanted to pose, but he couldnt hear him. managers were talking on the side, photographers were shuffling around and making noise, he couldnt make out any words the director was saying. he felt lost when everyone went to their positions, he didnt even hear a word.

“vernon-ah, come here.” jeonghan gently led him to his spot, sensing the uneasiness with the younger boy as he blindly followed his elder.

vernon just stood there, giving various poses based on the other members’ moods and postures. he wasnt doing well, he could feel it, he was thinking it. he wasnt looking right, was he? he was messing up, he couldnt hear anything being said and couldn’t pose. every noise was blurring together, the camera clicks and the lights blinding him and the voices that directed the members. he didnt hear anything, but everything all at once. it was overwhelming, and there was a pressure building behind his rues. there was a feeling sitting in his chest, and his hands twitched with wanted to claw at his nailbeds.

nobody had noticed yet, but the skin around his thumb nails were torn and raw and crusting with dry blood because he had been picking at them, peeling the skin and picking at the divots that were made. he couldnt register that it was actually hurting him, just peeled and picked and bled all around his fingers until it actually started to hurt or someone stopped him and put bandaids on his fingers. instead, he clenched his fist and dug his nails into his palms.

vernons knuckles turned white, his nails creating little moons into his palm and hurting, hurting, hurting until they were dismissed.

he was the first one to leave his post, having not realized how shaky his breathing became. why was he so shaky? why were his nerves everywhere? did someone call for him? where was his water? he needed out. he needed to be home. everything was closing in on him, the mirrors reflected someone that wasnt him, the lights only shown his bad spots. vernon’s walk was wobbly, but too quick for anyone to really notice. he doesnt think he even spoke a real sentence to anybody yet today, his breathing becoming labored as his pace towards the vans increased. he knew what was happening now. he couldnt. he had to resist it. he didnt want it to swallow him whole right now, he was too busy today.

the back of his eyes started stinging, and he rushed to the makeup stations to dig for a wipe. he practically scraped his skin, scrubbing violently until his face was red from rubbing so harshly. his eyes were watery? since when was that happening? he took his meds today, right? where was everyone else, are they mad at him? why would they be mad? are they mad that he couldnt focus, or maybe that he took so long to get out of bed, or was-

“nonnie, careful with your skin!” seungkwan exclaimed, making the younger jump and shake like he was standing outside in the cold.

“sorry, sorry, ill be in the van.”

his own voice surprised him, wavering slightly and rushed as he pushed past to get into the van. he needed silence, maybe that would help. yeah, that could work. it’d be okay. he just needed to get to the van. just needed to sit. clear his mind.

the silence was deafening as he sat by himself. he could only hear his own thoughts. could hear the ringing in his ear and the light tapping of his shoe against the bottom of the van. he stared out the window, a whirlwind blowing all his thoughts a million miles an hour, moving so fast he didnt even remember arriving at the building. maybe he subconsciously realized they were driving. that didnt matter. he just had practice. he could do it. he could push.

the routine was rigorous, a japanese comeback with such intense moves, an entire language to learn and remember to pronounce it correctly. there was so much intense movement, so many small details to be caught and pointed at. vernon felt small and terrified, felt so alone and shoved into a corner like when he was a little kid being yelled at by his parents for not doing good enough in class when he could swear he was trying his best.

he stepped backwards at the wrong point, slamming straight into jihoon who moved forward, and made the entire group redo the chorus. after the first accident, he was focusing too much. his eyes were everywhere, darting around like a fly and trying to watch for other members. he couldnt get the moves right, his arms moving too fast or out of beat, everything about him jumpy and jittery. he needed a break.

“can we try it again, vernon, you were a little too early on the second line.” soonyoung had said once the music paused.

everyone nodded with a little panting, and the music came back. it pounded his head, blurring everything together. he was so humiliated. he couldnt see, where were his feet? why was everything so blurry, is there a leak in the ceiling? where was that noise coming from, why is it so loud? he couldnt move, his body was frozen and he was shaking violently. his vision hurtled to the ground, and his shoulder cushioned his fall as his body instinctively curled into itself.

his chest heaved, gasping for air like his lungs couldnt retain anything. he let out wrenching screams as he breathed out, sobbing violently and choking on his own tongue and spit. he couldnt see, couldnt hear anything but loud noises that all faded into one big ringing sound. his throat stung with breathing so heavily and fast, tongue and mouth dry and eyes closed tightly shut. he lay, shaking on the floor and having an anxiety attack bigger than he had ever had before. he sobbed, heaving and breathing like he just sprinted a mile in summer, he was curled and tensed and borderline seizing. everyone stared at him, not knowing what to do.

he felt alone. he was the mess up. he screwed it all up. it was a horrible day. he couldnt make it through the basic, why did it have to be today? he took his meds, what went wrong? why didnt it work, why was it today? is everyone else okay? where was everybody?

his mind whirled, but drowned out by his screams and sobs that echoed over the blasting music. joshua had stepped forward, kneeling down to wrap gentle arms around the younger, hoisting him into his lap to cradle and whisper soft assurances to.

“its okay, it’s okay, today’s a day, it will pass.” he murmured, letting vernon sob and snot into his tee that he threw on.

seungcheol had left to tell his manager that vernon and joshua were going back to the dorms, leaving everyone else to stand and take a break, throwing worried glances at the pair.

none of them had ever experienced vernon having an anxiety attack this large or bad, none of them wanting to take a bad step when joshua was already helping him. in the back of vernon’s head, he’s grateful only one member was trying to comfort him. if there were more it would overwhelm him too much, and make it worse.

“it’s okay, look at me, look, okay?”

hands gripped vernon’s face, making him stare at the older. he knew words were being said, but couldnt hear them or make them out. his vision was glazed with a blur from tears, he couldnt see properly, it was all distorted and messy.

his hand was put onto joshua’s chest, feeling the elder breathe in slowly, and then breathe out. a hand was suddenly placed on vernon’s chest, and he could understand that. he knew what that meant. he could do it.

he shakily inhaled sharply, coughing by holding it in, but he took a small step forward nonetheless.

the pair sat there, their hands on each others chests, as vernon’s breathing became less and less labored and erratic, and became just hiccups and a little faster.

“it’s okay. we have you. you’re okay, lets rest.”

it was a day. it wasnt a good day, it was a day. he could make it. he could trudge through. he would be okay. his anxiety didnt define him.

sometimes it gripped him like a vice, shaking and throwing him until he couldnt stand straight, but other members had bad days. he just needed to keep reminding himself it was okay, that he would be okay, until he eventually dozed off against joshua’s shoulder, wrapped up in his blanket back at the dorm.

it would be okay. we all have bad days. it would be okay soon, just had to get through the day.


End file.
